@Bryson || A Little Help From My Friends
“God, I hate you sometimes,” Mandy mumbled to herself as she fixed her hair before the pair walked away, as if the mess in the street was not caused by them at all, but a freak accident of someone who had a fetish of smashing plates. Together they walked, like two old friends who did this every night, chatting about this, that, and the other, no real sense of direction or purpose. Just wandering. Every so often she’d glance at her hand, slightly shocked she still did that, but she was proud of herself for taking matters into her own hands and giving herself a fully permanent reminder of her best mate. Looking up at the familiar street as they neared her house, she shrugged.
“I think I need to let go,” she answered. “Let go of the fear, the stupidity, the meaningless breakdowns that cause my best friend to come rushing over here and save my bloody arse.” Looking at him she gave him a gentle push on the arm, smiling to herself. “I need to understand that I am allowed to get scared, that I am allowed to freak out without really needing to call on you every second. Tonight, I just needed to see you, tell you what has happened, have this emotional collapse before everything was fixed.” Raising her eyebrows she nodded. “And believe me, it is fixed.” Mandy didn’t want him to leave, didn’t want this night to end. If anything, she still kind of wished they were back in the street, yelling things at each other, but everything had to come to an end eventually.
“No, you go home to Jensen and Alex, yeah? They need you more than I do. I think, for once, I’ll lean on my husband, that is if you are okay with that?” Mandy smiled widely, pausing in her walk to look at him. “No more pushing him away, I love him more than anything, I just need to finally show him that.” Sighing out, she felt her heart slowing down from the rush, thumping deeply inside of her, calm.
“I’ll call you in a few days, give you an update and all that, okay? If Jensen asks what happened to your hand, fuck mate, you are on your own!” Mandy scratched the back of her neck as she looked around her neighborhood, feeling as if the pair were strangers and had randomly hooked up and were now faced with that awkward moment of ending the night.
“Hey, I love you. Thanks for putting up with me and all my bullshit, yeah?” Mandy slit her eyes as she chewed on her bottom lip, slowly realizing she still wore his jacket. Quickly tugging it off, she handed it to him, smiling graciously. “Kiss everyone for me, tell them I said hello and that I love and miss them?” Breathing in, she could smell Bryson on her clothes from having worn his jacket, and she felt like she was wrapped in a warm blanket. Stepping up to him she gave him a tight hug, trying now not to cry as they said their goodbyes.
“I love you, I love you, I love you,” she said quickly, leaning back and giving him a friendly kiss on the cheek, followed by a low smile. “I’ll come visit you soon, maybe babysit for you so the rents can go out and have a bit of fun!” Moving away from him, Mandy looked to the ground, desperately not wanting to cry.
“You know my number, my address, all of that so, call or drop by whenever you want. I’ll always be here.”
“That was the plan, you know. Get you to hate me then run off into the night and never come back,” He joked. As they walked, he listened to every word she was saying, feeling his chest swell with pride, feeling as though his smile had suddenly become permanent. To think that the night had seemed so hopeless just minutes before, and now she was talking about fixing her marriage, relying on Rob, pushing forward. He was so proud of her. He felt like a parent getting his child’s first report card reading out straight A’s. It didn’t mean she wouldn’t need him anymore or that he wouldn’t need her. It didn’t mean that there wouldn’t be problems in the future. It didn’t mean, frankly, that these problems at the moment were gone. But it did mean, however, that she could handle them, and that her and Rob would join together to move forward, to move past. Knowing that alone, he could leave the island feeling content, confident that she would be okay no matter what obsticles came her way.
He laughed. “Yeah, you lean on your husband. It’s okay with me,” He pushed her playfully then sighed, smiling as he looked out across Elysium, though he knew it would not be his last time. He would come back, maybe next time with Jensen and Alex by his side. He was sure of that.
He must have lost track of the time looking out at the view - seeing the old, familar buildings, the ocean crashing along the shore, the houses of old friends - because suddenly she was hugging him, and his smile widened. “I love you too, George,” He said the familar nickname as he kissed the top of her head. He took a deep breath, knowing this was it, time to leave, time to let the bird fly from the nest. He pulled his jacket back on, glancing at his bandaged hand and wondering how he’d ever explain it. But at the moment he didn’t care.
“I’ll see you around,” He said. He wouldn’t say goodbye, wouldn’t make it final, because they would see each other again, and soon if he had anything to say about it. She would babysit Alex, get to know her godson, he would come to see Jasper, hang out with Rob; Jensen and Mandy might go out shopping. They were family, after all, all of them. Nothing would ever change that.
@Bryson || A Little Help From My Friends
Mandy mocked him slightly as he spoke, especially the mention of her hurting the hand he held his guitar in. “Oh shut it,” she simply stated as she squeezed tightly, as if wanting to fuse their hands together. Though most people might have found this to be odd, completely psychotic, and probably really gross, Mandy knew that these two would only look at it as another memory in their lives that would forever remain. Scars would fade, but it would always be there, and she knew that when she was old and gray, she would be able to look at it adoringly and run her fingers over it, recalling how crazy they both were, not only crazy in their actions, but crazy about each other. And sometimes, for each other.
When they separated, Mandy felt a sense of happiness, perhaps it was her natural endorphines giving her a rush due to the pain that seeped up her arm, but she felt good, excited, and peaceful. “I would only want your AIDS, Bry,” Mandy quipped in response, shaking her head. “Not sure Robert will like it though, oh well. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” Laughing lightly she smacked her forehead at the horrible joke, knowing she was going straight to hell for that one.
Bryson making bandages appear, she took the one he handed to her, wrapping it tightly as to staunch the bleeding. The entire time she stared at the clothe with a grin on her face, her chest swelling with a sense of pride and satisfaction. When they were both finished, she frowned gently as a breeze swept by them, small pieces of glass moving across the pavement and creating a gentle sound that reminded her of windchimes. When Bryson looked over at her, his face serious, his question caught her off guard. Are you going to be okay, Mands?
“For now,” Mandy replied, looking sideways at him as she grinned very lowly. “You know, I’ll have my moments, my doubts, my…insanity from time to time, but it always works out, yeah?” Stepping beside him she lifted her gaze over to the city, the lights on those tall buildings seeming to sparkle from the heat in the air. “I am not saying I won’t ever need you,” Mandy said lowly, sticking her uninjured hand into the pocket of her sweatpants. “In fact, I can assure you I’ll need you again.” Moving close to him she linked her arm around his own, leaning her cheek on his shoulder, squeezing him gently.
“I really hope there aren’t hidden cameras ‘round here that saw me breaking those plates,” she said mindlessly. “You might get to leave the island, but I have to deal with fines, Fred.” Laughing to herself she leaned her head off his shoulder, grinning to herself. “Nine, I have nine more punches or slaps for you. I am actually going to save them in case there comes a time I need to whip your arse back into shape like you do mine.”
“Well then you have your people call my people and I’ll pay it for you, alright?” He grinned slightly, imagining all the crazy things they’d have to get up to finish up those nine hits or slaps or whatever it was she was feeling like punishing him with that day. “Well the time will come, my young padwon,” He teased, ruffling her hair like he would a small child’s, but it was all in good humor. “I mean it, though. We both know I’ll break down sooner or later.” He gave a small grin. They exited the scene now, getting far away from the mess of plates and cups, blood, and cigarette butts that would serve as evidence of the night.
“So what do you need? I can crash on your couch if you want or I can head back on the next Ferry. Its up to you, okay?” He told her softly. He knew things weren’t over, weren’t fixed. There was pain in her life that would take time, and a lot of it at that, to get over. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t, didn’t mean that she wasn’t strong enough to survive it. He knew for a fact that she was. “You should take Rob out on a date,” He suggested suddenly, laughing a bit at the thought. ”It’s time. To go be married again. No more fear, alright? Jasper is going to be okay too. And Florence, her hand will heal. And Gavin will die. Some stuff sucks, but a lot of it works out too. You keep your chin up, you cry when you feel like it, you break the neighbors plates and spear your own…and you’ll be okay.”
@Bryson || A Little Help From My Friends
Mandy rolled her eyes at his statement. “Mate, do I look like I need coke?” She looked down at herself and shook her head. “I am skinny as is, way too hyper for my own bloody good, don’t need it.” Flashing him a sarcastic smile she watched him kick a small rock before giving her a confused glance before handing over the knife. Sighing out, she took it, pulling the blade out and staring at it, inspecting it momentarily as his question fell on deaf ears. Biting her lower lip she reached out and grabbed his hand. Quickly, she drug the blade against the palm of his left hand, watching the skin slice open and blood begin to ooze out. Before he could scream at her, punch her, or something, Mandy turned the blade on herself.
Holding out her left palm, she grimaced in pain as she too dug the knife against her hand, directly mimicking the diagonal cut from under her index finger all the way to the heel of her hand. Swallowing back the pain, she watched the bright red liquid surface and she grabbed his wounded hand in her own tightly. It was probably the dumbest thing anyone could ever do, knowing all the diseases blood carried without someone even realizing it. She could feel the warm liquid slowly beginning to trail down her wrist, no longer able to tell if it was her blood or his. If anything, it was theirs. Not letting his hand go, she looked up at him, her heart pounding so fast inside of her that she swore she could feel the open wound throbbing and pushing out her blood, mixing with his own.
“I always considered you to be the brother I never have. The brother I loved more than life itself,” Mandy breathed in deeply as she squeezed his hand. “I have loved you in so many ways, it is probably sick. I loved you once like I love the man I am married to. I loved you like a best friend should. I have loved you and respected you the moment you popped up and sang me that ridiculous song about wanting to kill everyone!” Laughing lightly she looked down to their hands pushed together, the blood dripping to the cement by their feet. “I have loved you passionately, unforgivably, probably even obsessively, actually. Now, I am going to love you like a blood brother.” Lifting her eyes she stared into his own intensely.
“Flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood.” Frowning, Mandy glanced off to the side for a moment before laughing. “I think that was actually a name for a CD, but, whatever, it works!” Grinning widely she still held on. “Your blood is now in my bloodstream. Your knife cut your hand and mine. This wound will start scabbing over in a few days, just like mine will. It will leave a scar, same as mine. Far apart we may be, I’ll always have more than just a necklace to remind me of you. If I am without a phone, if your necklace falls apart. If I can’t email you or write you, I know that this will forever be on my hand. I’ve shared loads with you, and now I share my blood with you.” Swallowing she brushed back her hair once again from her eyes.
“This sounds like…some weird occult speech, yeah?” Furrowing her brow she nodded. “I am sure there were other ways to get my point across or something, definitely something less permanent, but I don’t care. I’d bleed for you. I am bleeding for you, actually you are bleeding for me, but the same fucking point!” Snaking her tongue out, she dampened her lips, breathing in between her teeth. “I don’t care what I say, or how many times I say it. I will forever miss you. Even if you did live ‘round the corner and saw me everyday! The moment you’d leave to go home, I’d instantly miss you. It is just a part of life, I suppose.” Shrugging her shoulder she laughed.
“Now, if memory fades, when we get old and senile, we’ll always have a scar, matching scars.”
Bryson winced audibly as the knife ran across the palm of his hand. Then, suddenly, he grinned. “That hurt,” He said but the tone of his voice was so happy and excited, it seemed as though he must have confused his words with his emotions. He had become so numb over the years, so used to pain that he barely felt anything anymore, and at times he had hurt himself not because he was depressed, or even wished to die, but just to see if he could feel something. For him, pain had become had not only ceased to be a miserable experience, but had become an inspiring one, a moment then made him remember that he was alive. His eyes fell from her face to their hands and what should have been a sick, disturbing sight made his heart swell with pride and a wide grin fall across his face. “You’re sick,” He mumbled, laughing, but it was clear that he no more meant those words than he planned to pull away.
“Mandy Webber-er, Stoner, you are crazy. Absolutely bonkers. And you’ll probably be the strangest old lady in the nursing home, hitting the other old ladies with your cane. But I love you. Through everything, through the fights and the fuck ups, and the destruction and the talks and…well everything, you became my sister, and that will never change, whether we live to be a thousand years old or we die tomorrow. You can always count on me, and you are always welcome no matter where I am in the world. I have never doubted you, nor will I ever, no matter what you do, no matter how crazy. If it comes to nuking the whole world, well I’ll jump on board, because I know you’ll have a good reason. You have shot me, killed my truck, beat me up and now you’ve cut up my hand that I hold the guitar with, thank you,” He grinned to show her that he was only joking, “And if that’s not friendship, then I don’t know what is. We have seen the starting point and the finish line and then started over there again. We’ve had some of the worst times and some of the best, and whatever happens, I believe in you, you crazy, crazy woman.” He shook her hand, as though to seal the bond, as though it was some cult ritual that had to be finished.
“By the way, I have AIDS, I hope that’s not a problem,” He joked as they finally pulled away, their blood - he didn’t know whose was whose at this point - dripping scarlet onto the dark black ground. He grinned, making two bandages appear and handing one over to her, then wrapping up his hand tightly. He glanced up at the moon, then the ocean, then the scattered plates across the road. “Are you going to be okay, Mands?” He asked her, his voice soft and gentle now.
[Text]: Damn it, I was about to hit a world record with those points. And I thought you loved me too. I’m not in town! I had to deal with an emergency ninja situation, but am not in town, nope nope.
[Text]: Man, anytime. You guys are always welcome, you know that.
@Bryson || A Little Help From My Friends
The simple action of him putting the cigarette out, it reminded her of old times, reminded her of when they used to sit and talk and let out their aggression. As usual, the reaction it caused inside her body was that of fear. If she could she would have walked over to him and smacked the cigarette away from him, then slapped his face for doing it. He promised he wouldn’t hurt himself anymore, yet he was doing it. Moving her mouth to speak, she quickly closed her lips when he started talking to her, staring at the ground and saying how he had wanted to say something mean to hurt her. It was something she had wished he’d done, to make things easier on her, to say something that would cause her to end their friendship and move on, never think of one another again, but she knew it would never happen. Bryson could cut off her arm and she’d forgive him, even excuse him for it, maybe even say she deserved it.
Everything he said to her, it made her feel like dying. Never did she think she’d have this conversation, have that epiphany where they were to move on from their past and forget all the bad shit and just, be happy. They might have said it time and time again, but never did she actually feel like this was the last straw, this was the last stop, this was the final time they’d look one another in the eye and say ‘Fuck it, be happy.’ When he walked over to her and smeared away the tears, she felt some semblance of comfort to feel him touch her, to know that he was, in fact, real and that this wasn’t some epically dramatic dream. Swallowing back the ball of tears that formed in her throat, she bit her lip harshly. Her eyes searching his own as he spoke of Alex, Jensen, his life back in Caifornia, a life that she rarely got to see. Her heart slightly swelled when she saw the look in his eyes, that look of admiration and love, something she had seen in him before, but nothing this evident.
When he told her he didn’t have the magic words, she nodded. Mandy knew there wasn’t a word or a single sentence that would easily clear everything up, make all the bad things go away. This was life, she knew that, life was hard and if she couldn’t handle it, then what was the point in going on? At that thought Mandy knew she had been through some bad times, hell a lot of people had, and she was still standing, still breathing. Still living. The tears that began to form in his eyes, Mandy felt herself lose that control over her own feelings, tears began to form in her own pair and he turned and punched the air, annoyed obviously he had started to breakdown. Forcing herself to not cry, forcing herself to not give in to her emotions, she listened, watching him turn around stone faced and keep talking. He grabbed her shoulders and she slightly stiffened, feeling his tight grip as he spoke to her about grass, weeds, bugs, and gardens. Furrowing her brow she watched the emotions on his face change from one thing to another before he let her go, pacing furiously.
“Never once have I not been happy for you,” Mandy stated honestly, jutting out her bottom jaw after a moment. “I was always happy for you getting married, going on tour, having a baby, even starting your life off the island. I gave you all of my happiness! I still do!” Following him with her eyes, she felt a wave of panic come over her. Did he think she was never happy for him? Didn’t care? Was so damn selfish she couldn’t be happy for her best friend?
“I support you one hundred percent on your decision to leave! But god damn it!” Mandy stomped her foot angrily, like a child who was being denied a piece of candy. “I want to share that happiness! I want to see you, I want you to see me! I want you to come over to my house, kick soccer with Jasper, I want you to make fun of Robert and his…fucking hideous spam! That nasty meat in a can, yeah? Oh god, seriously, you should tell him to stop making it because, Bry it is so bloody fucking vile I toss it in the bin when he isn’t looking!” Mandy had to laugh lightly for a moment, thinking of something she had never told him before. As the laughter subsided, she breathed in deeply, her expression falling to sadness.
“I love my husband, yeah his body beat me up, but I gave him a beating right back. Sad fact is, I actually wanted to and it was me!” Again she laughed, but it was a sad laugh. “I just get lonely, Bryson. It is a loneliness that Rob can’t fix. Nor a movie, good book, food, or even my son and the boys who are always roaming about my house. It is a loneliness that…only you can fix. It is the loneliness of not having you ‘round. Having you here to yell at me and tell me that I am wasting my life by worrying so much about these things I know I can fix. Gavin, oh his bloody time is coming! When I kill him, I am going to think about you, I am going to think, Bry would be here clapping me on for giving this cunt what was coming to him.” Rubbing her forehead free of her bangs, she nodded.
“I don’t care if we stood here in the middle of the street dodging cars or flashing cars on the walkway above and overpass! When I am around you, everything seems better. All my problems go away. You are my life preserver when everything else fails. I don’t want to always call you with a problem, I don’t. I am sure you are tired of it by now, but…seriously. I want to call you and tell you that I had to deal with a pain in the arse customer! Or tell you that Robert had one too many Budweiser’s and puked all over my bathroom. Or tell you that Flo and I got into a fight over the last cupcake at my store.” Putting her hands on her hips she stared at her best friend, trying to wade through all the emotions.
“I am happy for you, I am happy with my life, but at the same time, I’m not. I get so bogged down, you know? I think too much, I feel like I am drowning.” Sighing out she growled, turning on her heel and walking a few paces before swinging back around and extending her hands at her sides. “The garden sounds lovely, but…it is missing a fucking garden gnome. You are the bloody fucking garden gnome, alright? I hate it here because you aren’t here with me. I know I keep saying it, I know this is like me beating a dead horse, but I just want you to know and understand that…you are like my heroin.” Slitting her eyes, she tried to find a better metaphor, but she couldn’t.
“I had you for so long, you know? I had you and, shit mate, it was amazing!” Mandy found herself smiling gently. “You were my favorite bloody drug, yeah? And then, it is like…I went to rehab, got better…but I always have that craving for it. I always want it. I know I can’t have it, but I want it. I want…I want you. God, that sounds so bloody stupid, I can’t even believe it!” Shaking her head, she smiled at the ground, scuffing her shoe mindlessly.
“Do you have a knife on you, Bry?” Mandy looked up at him and threaded her brow together. “If not, can you like, make one? And no, I am not going to jam it in your heart or mine, yeah?”
Bryson watched her eyes, saw the flash of worry and fear, but he didn’t know where to place it. He furrowed his brow, puzzled. He didn’t think of it as hurting himself, didn’t even notice he had done it. Cutting his wrists, well that had taken focus, determination as he pressed the blade against his skin and watched the blood drip down. Pacing around the house with a loaded gun, trying to man up the courage to pull the trigger, that took action. But the cigarette was instinctive to the point where he not even realized that there was anything wrong with it. It was how his father had always put out a cig, and that lesson had stayed with him as easily as learning to read - normal, natural, nothing to worry about. He shook it off as he listend to her speak, laughing as she referred to him as a gnome, frowning when she told him she was drowning, sighing when she compared him to a drug.
Why? He already thought Jensen was crazy to have married him, out of her mind to find any interest in a mess like him, to stick around, to love him the way she did. But now Mandy, standing there infront of him, acting as though his life, his presence there made any real difference in the world? To Alex, he was important, he knew that now. Alex, who clung to his leg whenever Bryson left for work, Alex who stared at him with those big hopeful eyes, Alex who he would one day teach to play catch, to shoot hoops and to talk to girls. Alex needed him. In fact, Alex was the only reason in the world Bryson felt necessary at all, because in Alex he could see it. The little boy, so helpless and new to the world, he was completely dependent on his parents. But Jensen and Mandy? No matter how many times they may have said it to him, and Jensen told him all the time that she needed him in her life, he didn’t understand it, and he barely believed it. He wasn’t good at much, just songs, and what good were songs at the end of the day? He was a decent fighter, maybe, but he was skinny and easily distracted and just as capable of hurting himself, even by accident, as he was of hurting the enemy.
“Maybe you should try coke,” He joked because he simply didn’t know what else he could say, not seriously anway. What did someone respond to something like that? “Its what the celebrities do, you know?” He shifted from side to side, kicking a small rock across the street when he heard her strange request. He looked up, cocking an eyebrow at her, but shrugged and handed over the small pocket knife he aways kept on him.
“So, what now?”
[Text]: They’re doing great! Alex just learned to walk yesterday. Jensen is loving California. We’re happy. It’s good out here.
@Bryson || A Little Help From My Friends
When he moved her, pushed her away and walked far enough to where there was a distance, Mandy felt every single muscle inside of her scream out in some sort of agony and pain. Bringing her hands up she wiped away her tears, looking off at something in the distance, trying to ignore the figure in her peripheral vision, blinking away the water that kept welling up. Never had he ever done that before, moved her away from him, kept a distance. The fact that he had done that to her now, it made her feel as if there were suddenly a wall between them, an ocean even. Nodding to herself, she sucked on her bottom lip, trying to gather her thoughts, tried to find the answers to his questions.
“Hug my husband, forget about you…right,” She echoed lowly, more to herself than anything. Pushing her hands into her own pockets she drew in a shaky breath, exhaling it slowly through her inflamed lips. “If it was that easy, don’t you think I would have tried that already?” Darting her eyes over to him, watching as he smoked on his cigarette, she pursed her lips, shrugging a shoulder.
“You matter because you were the only person I ever knew who understood me. You matter because you are the only other mutant I know who can…fix me when I am broken. You laugh with me about stupid things, you and I do stupid things!” Mandy laughed lightly as she put her knuckles under her nose, sniffing back the tears as she forced herself to look away from him again, trying to pull that dagger out of her heart at his words.
“For the first time in my life, Bryson, I have needed you here more than ever. I have lost the ability to care about what others want to do to help me. I don’t care about anyone else and their attempts at trying to show me that things will help me out.” Frowning, she looked down to her white shoes, biting on her lip to the point where she tasted the tangy blood on her tongue from that scab finally having been reopened.
“I miss you calling me and telling me you need me, I miss coming and finding you and picking you back up. I miss our fights, our speeches, I miss everything. It is sick and sadistic, but I have thought of ways to possibly bring harm to myself to bring you back here to save me. Now that you are here, there is so much I want to say to you, but you have to bloody listen.” Lifting her eyes she swallowed and pushed back that annoying feeling that this was it, that she and Bryson finally came to that place where neither could do anything for each other.
“Every minuscule or small event that happens in my life, I look over my shoulder to see you there…and you are gone. You aren’t there,” Mandy shook her head as she looked back to the ground, tears falling from her eyes out of a deep sadness, a sadness she had never felt before. “I miss you. I miss my best friend, I miss his ups, his downs, I miss his voice, his laughter, his jokes…I feel like every major event in my life that has happened while you were off the island…I feel like…you were dead.” Closing her eyes she lifted her head, feeling the hot tears push out inbetween the clutches of her sooty lashed and fell down her face.
“I feel like this, right now, is a memory. Or a dream. A dream where I am going to wake up and realize that you are gone. That…you really did become Fred Weasley.” Opening her eyes she found his face, her heart thudding so lively in her chest that it hurt her ribcage. “This is my world, right here,” she waved her hand towards him and her, indicating that she meant the pair standing there together, talking. “It might have been the right decision on your part to leave, to allow your baby and Jensen to have a life outside of Elysium. But this? All around me? It just isn’t my world without you in it.”
“You know,” He said, taking one last drag on his cigarette. He watched the smoke unfurl infront of him, watched the wind take it away, then he pressed the small cancer stick against his arm, watching the last of the fire burn out, watching his skin turn red and black from the ash, then he tossed it aside without a care in the world, and it vanished into the darkness. “I thought about being mean. A lot. About telling you that I didn’t care, that I didn’t want to talk to you, that I didn’t need you. It’s not true, its all lies, but I started thinking, hell, I can’t have everything. I can’t have this great life with my family off the island and keep my friends here. I have to choose, and maybe if I make an ass of myself, you could hate me instead of miss me. Because I never, in a million years wanted to hurt you, Mandy.”
He kept his eyes fixed on the ground, as though the pothole at the end of the street was the most interesting thing he had ever seen. It was easier not to look at her; if he looked up, he would see her tears, would see the sadness in her eyes, the regret, and if had to face that, he’d be lucky to string two words together.
No, the ground was safer. Looking a the ground and he knew what he wanted to say, looking at the ground and he wasn’t scared. “But then you say something like that, about hurting yourself, something fuckin stupid,” He added the last bit with more force than he had meant to. How could she even think about harming herself? “And I know its good I didn’t do that. But you’re making it so hard. Because I just…I’d die for you, Mandy. If that was what it took to make you happy, you know I would. But you want this one thing from me that I can’t give. The one thing I just..” He let his voice die away, then he stepped closer, bridging the gap between them. He gently wiped away her tears, giving her a small, sad smile.
“I wish I knew what the magic words were, that I could say something that would fix everything, that would make you happy. I wish I had the answers. But Mandy, how can you say that no one else can help you? You’re married! And maybe you two are fighting right now, but that’s what Rob is for, isn’t it? And I am right here, Mandy. I’m right here,” He put both his hands over his chest, feeling the steady beating of his heart. “I’m alive. I didn’t die, and I didn’t dissapear one day. I’m here and you can knock on my door any day, call, whatever you need. Didn’t I prove that tonight? Coming here with just one call. I’m not gone. I’m not. I miss you. I miss the stupid crazy ass things we always said, I miss fucking shit up and making stupid mistakes but Mandy…you can do whatever you want. If you dont’ want to be here then leave! Come to California, you can stay with us while you find a place. You could open a new book store, I don’t know. Nothing is keeping you here if you don’t want it to. You can do anything you want,” He threw his arms out into the air as though to express the endless possibilites. “You said it yourself, Jasper is almost out of the house, and if its safer…”
He sighed, running a hand through his hair, then pressed on, almost desperately now, ”Alex, Mands, he’s beautiful. He just started walking yesterday and…he’s going to be something. Something big. And you don’t think that you could love anyone that much until you got this little thing in your arms and-and Jensen,” Just at the sound of her name, his eyes seemed to gloss over in a sort of blissfull happiness, “She’s doing so good. She’s happy. She’s safe. I spent my whole life running away, scared. Scared of the world, scared of me, scared of what I become. And now I got this thing, this family, that…I need you to be happy for me. I need you to understand. I need you to tell me that its okay and-” Hot tears suddenly stung his eyes, tears that he didn’t know if they came from sadness or anger or just frustration, but he turned away, punching the air and cursing under his breath.
When he’d turned back around, he’d pulled himself back together. “Don’t you get it?” He grabbed her shoulders, making her look at him, making her listen. “You have everything! Everything we ever talked about, everything you wanted! This is it, this is the other side, look around at the fucking green grass. And yeah, it has weeds and there’s bugs that are trying to eat everything and if you let them, its going to turn into a fucking barren desert, but that’s your choice! You’re bigger, you’re stronger. Stomp the mother fucking bugs and pull out the damn weeds. Because you have it. Love, family. And if you care, if you try, you can make this a fucking garden!” He growled in frustration, letting go of her and beginning to pace angrily between the nearest store front and the spot in which she was standing. It was so like him to find a metaphor and chock it full of foul language and swear words. He wasn’t even sure what his point was anymore, except that he needed her to be happy, needed to leave knowing that if he did, she’d be okay.
[Text]: If you’re trying to win a race! You’re going to be fine, both of you, or all three of you haha. I know you will. This kind of stuff always works itself out.
[Text] Of course. How are you though man? You holding up okay?